On August 6, 2016 I lost my mother.
This year went by so much faster than I ever expected it to. I have dealt with emotions I have never had to encounter. I have great days of happiness thinking about my mom followed quick but deep moments of sorrow because she is gone. I try not to dwell on the sorrowful moments. I quickly push them down and away with a swift shake of my head because what will dwelling on sorrow do? I don’t want to think about all the life events she will not be here for. All the milestones we won’t get to celebrate together. I don’t want to think about how much my baby girl misses her Tommie and still asks about her. How she constantly speaks on how her Tommie is in heaven and she will see her again today. I don’t even want to think of having more children because my mom won’t be here for it. When I haJd Christian, our 2 year old son, My mom was in a different hospital across the city with an open wound from an emergency surgery to remove a portion of her colon, barely awake, barely functioning… I cried the entire time during my c-section simply because she was not able to be at the hospital with me. I was scared to not have my mom.
Death is hard. Sorrow is hard. Grief is hard. Moving on without one of the people you held so dear to your heart is painful and, at times, feels impossible. But we take it one day at a time, right? I am not sure if it ever gets better, easier, or more distant.
I am so very thankful for my relationship with Christ and the love of my family. I am not sure how people keep moving without these things. We laugh often. We celebrate. We remember. We heal together. I am so thankful for the foundation my parents laid of faith in Christ because that has been my saving grace to keep moving when my body wanted to shut down. The strength of my spirit has been the keeping my body upright on the hardest days. I am so grateful God is healing me daily and putting pieces back in place in his own timing.
Jeremiah 17: 14- God, pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!